Dear Laffy Taffy, Inc.,

I recently acquired some Laffy Taffys, and I wish to report these taffys to you as insufficiently laffy. I cordially request a replacement taffy, one whose laffiness befits its name.

Aside from the above joke about banks keeping secrets, the offending taffy also featured “WHAT DID YES SAY TO NO? MAYBE!“ 

As you can imagine, I expect more from my taffy experience, especially when the taffy is prominently advertised as “laffy” above all other characteristics a taffy might possess. I suggest that you ship me a replacement taffy at your earliest convenience, ohe whose laffs are more trenchant, topical, or, at the very least, workmanlike. Otherwise, I will be forced to pursue litigation, and I don’t think either party looks forward to the reading of numerous Laffy Taffy jokes to a grand jury.

If you don’t enjoy the thought of an injunction forcing you to change your name to “Scoffy Toffy”, “Chuckle Chunks”, or “Shruggies”, then I recommend you comply with my request. Replacement taffys can be sent to the return address on this envelope.

Yours sincerely

DIPLOMATIC SHARK

P.S. Aside from the aesthetic shortfall of the laffs on these taffys, there are also severe scientific misrepresentations: for instance, bees are articulated arthropods, and therefore cannot “sit on” anything, let alone “THEIR BEE-HINDS”.